and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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