your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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