How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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