ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
