Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
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