Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
