yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
