did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
