You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
