I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
