She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize