Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm getting married
To pizza
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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