you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
