the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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