Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
