i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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