I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
