if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
