just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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