ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
