i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
