its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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