Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize