I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize