my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
