The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize