Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
