two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
