I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
