My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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