I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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