i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
