i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
