If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
