that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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