I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
