We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
