batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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