the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
