ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
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