i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
