I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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