Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
