so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
