Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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