I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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