It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
