I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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