That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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