I faked an abortion last night.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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