his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
