Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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