She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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