Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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