Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
