Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
