I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
