how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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