Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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