Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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