I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
