I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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