1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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