I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
