i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
where does the pee come out of this thing
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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