I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
