In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just had sex on a roof
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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