Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
