I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
